I was reading a Yahoo! Sports article about A-Rod using hyperbole to describe the number of times he was tested for steroids last year: really an article about nothing. It was such an insignificant issue that I was actually annoyed that they even published it, and that I took the time to read over it. But then this little gem game along:
“ ‘I’m glad for a guy like Santana, gets to play in a city like New York,’ (Alex) Rodriguez said. “He’s the best pitcher. He deserves to be in the city, and in a forum. I thought it was a fantastic move by the New York Mets.’
“Rodriguez also praised teammate Andy Pettitte, who was forced to give a deposition and affidavit to Congress in which he admitted using HGH in 2002 and 2004. Pettitte also said Roger Clemens discussed HGH use nearly a decade ago— Clemens said Pettitte ‘misremembers.’
“ ‘Andy is one of the greatest human beings I’ve ever met,’ Rodriguez said. ‘I have two daughters—well, I have one and one on the way. If I had a daughter, I would want ‘em to marry Andy Pettitte. The age difference might be a little awkward, but in today’s day and age anything is possible.’ ”
REALLY??? You think so, Alex? What gets me is that this was the most interesting piece of the story, but that’s how it ended. Sure, he was tested 5 times, 10 times, whatever, but nobody thinks to inquire any further into Alex arranging marriages for teammates to his unborn daughters.
Journalistic notes forgotten, what can we infer from his statements, aside from the evident intellectual effects of forgoing college to pursue a career in professional sports? What the hell is he trying to say?
For one, think about the kind of elite group that he is putting Pettitte in. I know A-Rod is a spokesman for the Boys and Girls Club of America with the likes of Colin Powell. What if Pettitte really belongs in that kind of company? Perhaps a career in public service is in his future.
Andy Pettitte is 36 years old, which would make him 54 years old by the time Alex’s (Alexandra? Alexanna? Alexia?) newest family member is of marrying age. What is it about today’s day and age that makes this particularly possible? Does HGH prolong a person’s lifespan and increase vitality? Perhaps he simply sees some great value to young girls seeking out ex-baseball players with loose skin and old balls.
Depending on his spending habits, rate of after-tax investment returns, etc., I’m estimating that A-Rod’s net worth could be in the $600-$700 million range by the time his daughter turns 18. Maybe more, but his endorsement deals aren’t as publicly visible as the quarter billion dollar contracts. My final hypothesis begins with the knowledge, as he has shown (as Mariners fans recall) throughout his career, Alex Rodriguez is as money-driven as a Borat Jew. He intends to sell his daughter for a princely dowry, and his well-off colleagues are a good place to start the sales effort. Scott Boras will ultimately call the auction, and will probably install ghost bidders to drive up the price.
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2 comments:
Perhaps A-Rod anticipates that Pettite's HGH enhanced sperm may be capable of transferring any potential "performance enhancement" along to his daughters who may go on to become world-class softball players??? Or he's just smoking dope... I hope Seattle's water doesn't make Ichiro crazy, or worse... Dumb.
No, no...actually it is just one more step in his ultimate goal of baseball domination. Via eugenics and strategic impregnation of his daughters by meticulously chosen stud-players, A-Rod will breed himself the greatest team known to man. They will all play for him with pittance pay as loyal members of his iron-fisted patriarchal family, and he will pocket the additional millions in endorsement deals and licensing as he sits in a skybox somewhere chewing on fat stogies and laughing, the owner and paterfamilias of a truly "homegrown " baseball franchise.
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