What's So Civil About War?

In case you even needed to ask, I will be unleashing the entirety of my Quacker Backer arsenal at the Civil War game on Saturday. The regalia shall include: "Live Green Yell O" t-shirt (fund raiser tee for the Oregon Marching Band & Cheerleaders – it takes a village, people), yellow "O" baseball hat, the gorgeous bright yellow fleece (rumored to be visible from space), "O" eyeblack (eyegreen... whatever), my oh-so flashy green and yellow UofO fleece gloves, and if weather requires: the matching scarf. Where I'm really going to push this to a higher level of obnoxiousness, though, is with the duckbill whistle – the ducklips – around my neck. To be honest, most duck fans don't really like the ducklips. Most duck fans will frown on anybody over the age of 13 even owning a pair. Just imagine the interest that the Beaver Believers will have in them.

Some background, if you are unfamiliar... I'm not sure how long the ducklips have been around, but it is easy to see how the idea originated: combine noisemaker with duck anatomy, and voila! This being before my time as a student and duck fan began, I can't share from personal experience, but I'm pretty sure that these things were immensely popular when they first came out. I mean, they are noisemakers that simultaneously facilitate the merging of man and duck. It doesn't get any better that that! The fact that these helped raise the Autzen decibel level a bit was good, too.

The problem, though, is when not at the game. Buying the ducklips for one's 8 year-old son seemed like a brilliant idea until the car ride home, when he wouldn't shut the hell up with them on the freeway. Or at home. Or while running errands. Or while anywhere doing anything until you stole the things and threw them away when he wasn't looking.

You can see how the ducklips backlash was swift and severe. I only brought the damn things to Autzen a couple times before I figured out that nobody was very amused. But hell, I figure I'm walking into the lion's den and nobody is going to be amused by anything about me as it is. However, with interest for my personal safety in mind, and in the hopes of not getting chew spit in my face, the actual activation of the ducklips – the duck call – will be very sparing.

As for the game itself, let me present my analysis.

Oregon Strength -

Oregon doesn't seem like it should stand a chance. The Beavs have the better standings, the better stats, the better star player, and obviously home-field advantage. One thing that they do have this time around (but don't seem to normally) is the better health. At the beginning of the year, the QB situation in particular looked grim, to say the least. One more serious injury would have left the coaching staff having to seriously consider open tryouts at the most critical position on the team. However, as the season has progressed, Jeremiah Masoli has evolved into a reliable member of the squad. Not just with his health, but his decision making and profound natural athleticism. Key members of the squad have been playing together for more than a few games now, and they've even had an extra week to rest and prepare. The Ducks will be rested, ready and hungry.

Oregon Weakness –

Sure, they are comparably ranked, but in the looking at the schedule, the Duck's strength would seem to be in mercilessly kicking the crap out of bad teams. Against good teams, Oregon has looked unsure of themselves and their game plan, and has been humiliated in a couple of their losses.

With certainty, Oregon State is not a bad team. The Beavs losses came very early in the season, and they've been nearly on cruise control since. The game plan has to be solid going in, for sure, but adjustments will also need to be made. If their previous difficulties to adapt turn out to be an omen, I'm not convinced the coaching staff is up to the challenge.

Oregon State Strength –

Oregon State is a squad that is great at the nuts and bolts of football. Their players are hard working, well coached and have succeeded with the dependable mantras of running the ball and defense. When teams make mistakes, and Oregon certainly will, the Beavers have been able to convert them into points and time of possession. No game is more emblematic of this than the home win against USC. If you can play 4 quarters of football, and punish the other team when they make mistakes, you can win damn near any game. The Quarterback position has been marked with uncertainty, and the potential loss of Jaquizzical would be very troublesome, but with their strong offensive line, they won't need to land haymakers to win.

Oregon State Weakness –

I hate to say it, but karma. Things have been going well in Corvallis. Too well. Close your eyes with me and imagine the coverage of the game on the 11 o' clock news. What seems more likely – a bunch of jubilant rednecks in orange and black parading down the street, or an eerily quiet Reeser stadium crowd somberly filing out, with the knowledge of the Rose Bowl slipping through their fingers weighing on their collective mind. I can almost hear the visiting team celebrating on the sideline.

Let me put it this way: I have a better feeling about them winning the Rose Bowl than I do the Civil War.

Overall, I agree with Jake that Oregon State will win, but I disagree that it will be by double digits. Neither has had a double digit win over a team that I would describe as above average. Oregon has proved too unsteady to put teams away when they get a lead (and I think they will), but Oregon State definitely lacks the firepower for a blowout. Look for Oregon State's defensive backs to be the pivotal position of the game. They've been lights out of late, and few offenses like to put the ball in the air more than Oregon. The game will end when Masoli throws an interception on 3^rd and long with 2:15 left. Beavs win 30-24. Their basketball team still sucks, though.

A Pasadena Boquet

It came down to a kick. Not just any kick but a kick that came after a missed PAT. What?!? Yeah, a missed PAT. Kahut better be thanking his lucky stars the the OSU Beavs' coach Mike Riley even game him a chance at redemption. Not since Linfield was playing for a national championship have I been so nervous about a college football game. I knew Kahut was going to blow the PAT. In Dave's words it is the NW curse. Teams from the state of Oregon just know how to shoot themselves in the foot...and then, Kahut kicks a 25 yard field goal as time expires for the 19-17 win over Arizona in the desert. Kahut's kick also set the table for one of the most storied Civil War games between Oregon State and Oregon in the history of the 100+ year series. So much for the curse...for now.

The only problem facing the Beavs run at a Rose Bowl rematch with the Nittany Lions is the voodoo hex Pete Carrol put on the Pac-10's leading rusher and likely offensive player of the year, Jaquizz Rodgers. The quiz show has taken his licks this year but during the Beavs' second possession on a rutine run to the right, he lowers his shoulder *POP* and he has a minor dislocation. Out for the game. Out for the Civil War? That remains to be seen.

Last year, Dennis Dixon, a Heisman candidate and offensive juggernaut for Oregon, goes down with a torn ACL two games before the Civil War and the Ducks loose at home to the Beavs for the first time in something like a decade. Could the cancellation of the quiz show cost OSU its trip to Pasadena? I think not.

Saturday, there is talk that ESPN's College Game Day could be in Corvallis. Tim and I will be drinking some wine en route to the game, he in yellow, most like his obnoxious yellow fleece number that he busts out to imitate Big Bird, and me in my orange and black. Dave's little brother Adam will no doubt be huddled over his crimson and yellow Carrol shrine hoping for the Ducks to take back the Platypus trophy but his prayers are only falling on deaf ears. God is a Beaver fan and Mike Riley channels Jesus on a daily basis. Riley is a nurturer of talent, just ask Dwight Jaynes. And, he is not just saying so because he has to sell papers (unlike Canzano, who has jumped on the bandwagon and is slapping the reigns), he is now just a blogger.

The Ducks are a formidable opponent but they don't stand a chance, even if the Beavs are without Quiz and starting Canfield. It starts with defense and the mighty Corvallis Crusaders got some. If the Ducks quarterback Masoli even tries to the throw the ball, pick city, and the Beavs have enough team speed to contain the Ducks running attack. Not even the best defense in the conference, USC giving up only 225 yard/game could contain the Beavs, who put up 341. Oregon State, by the way, is the 11th ranked defense in the country. The Ducks...do you really want to know? Ok, 73rd, giving up a whopping 375 yards per contest. Yikes!

Beavers win this Civil War by double digits.

If you asked me if the Beavs are the best team in the Pac-8 (sorry Washington schools, you didn't make the cut), I would say no but do they deserve to go the Rose Bowl? An emphatic yes! It's been 44 years since the Beavs spent New Years in Pasadena. If the Trojans wouldn't have overlooked a then 1-2 Beaver team, we wouldn't be having this conversation and the Rose Bowl would have turned into an at-large bid as the Trojans would go on to win the BCS Championship FedEx Bowl in Florida. However, if the cards fall right, USC could still sneak into Florida but for now the cards are stacked in favor of the Beavs and Eue de le Roses Rouge is in the air.

Can they beat Penn State on a neutral field? The way Riley has shepherded his team up until this point makes be believe that he can walk on water, so yes, the Beavs got a shot.

Arugula, Meat and Potatoes & Kool-Aid

First, I would like to applaud the fact the Tim and Jake have decided to start blogging again. It has been since August since we have last had the pleasure of reading one of Tim's posts and it has been since July since Jake last posted (his first post and only post at the time.)

Second, I would like to announce that this forum is not meant for politics. It is never mentioned explicitly in the second title of the blog and it was not intended to be a forum for politics, Democratic, Republican or otherwise. Despite that, if you do bring politics up, please try to bring Switzerland in play, see below.

Third, after spending the last 15 minutes reading the rants of the two afore-mentioned bloggers I've come to the following observations:

- Politics requires quite lengthy posts.
- There is very little room for facetiousness and humor in politics and discussing politics (this is not very Switzerland.)
- There is plenty of room for finger-pointing, name-calling, friends and enemies in politics (this is very Switzerland.)
- Altogether, I rate this discussion as a 6 out of 10 on the Switzerland scale. It fits some of the criteria but is seriously lacking in many of the key Switzerland elements. And it was lengthy and a bit whiny on both fronts. But thank you for writing again.

Fourth, I'd like to address the 6 out of 10 rating by adding some humorous quotes on politics. They are facetious, humorous and succinct:

- To Tim in regards to your comment of "we maintain bridges so that they do not collapse." - "Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where they is no river." ~Nikita Khrushchev

- To Jake in regards to this comment, "Where we differ is that I believe in his conviction and ability to make his bullshit come to fruition." - "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy." ~Ernest Benn

- To Jake regarding Richard Clarke - "Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." ~Ronald Reagan

- In regards to Tim, Jake, King Bush I, Clinton, King Bush II and Obama - "George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles." ~Author Unknown

- In regards to Tim Cathcart (D-OR) v. Jake Rossman (D-OR) - "In politics you must always keep running with the pack. The moment that you falter and they sense that you are injured, the rest will turn on you like wolves." ~R.A. Butler

With that... I'm going to bring us back to an 8 out of 10 now,

James (I-OR)

P.S. A SE Portland Bar, some booze and maybe a street fight with some hippies (and Jake trying to play mediator instead of backing his boys up, e.g. the Dave outside Ringler's incident) will bring this up to a 10. So... What are you guys doing this weekend?

Obama Bandwagon, A Repsonse

First of all, if you are going to try and make a point that is contrary to one you know that is going to be argued, please do not slander my name by putting words into my mouth that were not there. I never said you were being a hater, we were just fervently arguing the two sides of the Obama coin.

Second, you never made your point. I think your thesis was “kicking the Republicans out of office won’t solve all our problems.” Then, you loosely associated Obama’s upcoming tenure with that of Bill Clinton by the way of the economy and foreign policy as means to justify your own tempered expectations for Obama. However, you said that you haven’t really researched either of the subjects, which devalues your entire argument.

Yet, I do agree with you that foreign policy and the economy are the two most important areas that must be addressed early in Obama’s stay in the White House. First, I want to address foreign policy. The attacks of 9/11 were tragic and while we can all point fingers as to who is to blame, the point is not how it happened but what was done afterwards. If you want to read a good book on everything leading up to 9/11 read Richard Clarke’s Against All Enemies. Bush, after 9/11, declared war on terror (maybe the right thing to do in seeking to destroy al-Qaeda ) but got aggressive with his happy dance on Sadam’s buret. We all know the repercussions of these events and Bush isn’t going to be appearing on Dancing With the Stars anytime soon. The economy is being stretched by the war but should be alleviated once Barack takes office and phases the U.S. out of Iraq.

I am not sure where you were going with the tech-bubble argument other than saying that it was a democrat that was in office when it was inflated. Yet, its subsequent burst had little to do with the executive branch of our government. If you do want to trace it back and put the blame on a past president, you would have to go all the way back to Regan. His policies and deregulation of the financial markets opened the door for the likes of Ken Lay and mark-to-market accounting. The same could be said for the banking industry crises, which is really what is affecting our current economic situation. Free market economics and the lack of substantial oversight led to that collapse, not Clinton. You could say that he was guilty of inattentiveness but very few saw either of these events coming until it was too late. During the debates, Obama took a substantial lead in the polls because he has the right ideas about the economy. Trickle down economics don’t work and he wants to empower the working the class.

Here is where the meat and potatoes of this argument actually reside and the question that you failed to ask yourself. Do you believe that Barack can accomplish what he said he was going to during his campaign? Your apathy leads me to believe that you are taking a wait and see approach, which is all well and good. I, and thousands of other, believe that he can and that is why we are excited.

I agree with you that everyone is Washington DC is a politician; Barack, Bush, Pelosi, Clinton and even Palin. However, I think it is unfair to classify them all as the same type of politician. There are some politicians that say what you want to hear for the sake of saying what you want to hear only to get themselves elected, then, rarely come through with the goods.

One of the primary reasons why I think people are moved by Barack's words is because they don't view him as a politician who orates on the flowery image of tomorrow for the sake of getting elected. I, among thousands of others, actually believe that he is saying what he truly believes in and will fight tooth and nail when he is office to accomplish what he has put forth.

You wrote, “While I am hopeful that the rhetoric of his campaign can be realized in his policy, there is nothing unfair with qualifying everything he says as being uttered from a politician.” In this you are saying that because he is a “politician” everything he says is just bullshit until he does something about it. Where we differ is that I believe in his conviction and ability to make his bullshit come to fruition. If you think this makes me a follower of the Messiah or that I’m seeing images of sugar plum fairies dancing in my head, I guess we are just going to have to agree to disagree on this point.

It is not just about democratic control of the executive and legislative branches, it is about who is in positions of leadership and capable of not just righting this ship that is nearly at the bottom of Persian Gulf but bringing her home to prosperity.

That is why I am excited, elated, jumping out of my chair, shouting in the streets, supporting Kenya’s national holiday and arguing with you about this. So why should I and everyone else calm the fuck down? We are ready for change and we can see it coming.

Obama Party Wagon

I joined many Americans in watching the emotional celebration of Barack Obama’s presidential election victory. This is certainly a pivotal moment in our country’s battle against racial division, and I recognize the feelings behind the tears of joy shed by many African brothers and sisters, and others who have found frustration in the country’s historical difficulties in living out the innate human right of equality for all.

However, beyond the potent symbolic significance of this moment from a civil rights standpoint, I would like to encourage my Barack loving countrymen to calm the fuck down. In the midst of the great worldwide circlejerk of 11/5/08, I propose a reality check. Please, don’t misunderstand me: I am not a Barack hater, as Jake seemed to think as we debated this topic last night. I do not disbelieve that he can make our country better. In fact, I will even offer up the disclosure that I voted for him. I would simply like to test the brakes on the Barack Obama presidential party wagon.

Dear passionate American Democrats, Barack Obama is not the second coming of Christ. He is not a miracle worker. He is not a Herculean demi-god or magical forest sprite. His profession is politician. Do not forget this. And if there is one thing that successful career politicians are good at, it is telling people what they want to hear. Without question: Barack Obama is the best at this of anybody I’ve witnessed in my lifetime. While I am hopeful that the rhetoric of his campaign can be realized in his policy, there is nothing unfair with qualifying everything he says as being uttered from a politician. Before you lay down your life in his defense, ask yourself two questions: “Is Barack Obama a politican? Is he telling me things that I enjoy hearing?”

“We’re taking a step towards a beautiful tomorrow! We’re gaining the trust and respect of the world again! America will once again be a shining beacon of prosperity and humanity.” Yeah, yeah, yeah... all right already: I get it. However, we’re not there yet, so until actual policy has been implemented, and progress has been made, please calm the fuck down a little bit.

As frustrating as the reign of King Bush II has been (thanks for giving John Stewart the material, though), can I try to also put some perspective on it for the purpose of tempering our expectations for Obama? Let me be the insane-by-Portland-standards devil’s advocate here and argue that kicking the Republicans out of office won’t solve all our problems. From what I can tell, the two most significant issues for Americans in this election were 1) the economy, and 2) foreign policy. I haven’t really researched this, so maybe I’m wrong, but those seem like the two topics getting the most play in the news. Hopefully tears of hysterical joy streaming down your face won’t prevent you from reading on.

1) On the topic of the economy, let us remember that while Bush had a budget surplus to work with going into office, he also inherited a tech-bubble and economic recession. Can’t argue that was his fault. So, if we want to heap blame for the current bubble and recession on him, I think it fair to allocate blame for the tech-bubble and subsequent recession on the preceding Democratic administration.

2) As far as foreign policy goes, I think it safe to say we really went ape shit during Bush’s tenure picking fights, much of which was unpopular, expensive and ill-advised. However, to all those who yearn for the peachy-keen peace and pacifism of the last Democrat in office, all that sunshine and buttercups, don’t forget that inattention to a problem wont make it go away. Bush reacted to 9/11/01 in ways that didn’t make sense and that I strongly disagree with – Guantanamo, Iraq, forming the Department of Homeland Security, the Patriot Act, etc. However, when al-Qaeda and other terrorist networks orchestrated three separate major attacks on the United States prior to Bush's election (Oh yeah! Remember that? The Khobar towers bombing of 1996? The embassy bombings in Tanzania and Kenya in 1998? The USS Cole attack in 2000? – As I recall, Clinton reacted to the embassy bombings by pissing a couple cruise missile in the direction of the middle east, but since he was busy weaseling his way out of his marital indiscretion, everybody figured he was trying to “wag the dog”.), the Democrat commander in chief didn’t do anything meaningful about it.

In my opinion Clinton, the Democrat, got the kid gloves of history for his inaction. If you want to get angry about how the Republican president reacted to 9/11, I think it fair to also get angry at Clinton’s Democratic administration for not doing anything to prevent it, even with giant neon warning signs flashing in their face.

All that said, I present a toast: to not having Sarah Palin as a part of our everyday lives for the next four years. I think after enduring the current administration, we deserve to have some people in the White House who don’t routinely present themselves as uneducated morons. My sincerest wish is that she float whatever breeze brought her into the national spotlight back up to the arctic and stay there.

Another toast: to having a reader and a writer as president again. Of all the embarrassing qualities of Bush’s presidency, few bother me more than his confession that he doesn’t like reading much. Why not just confess to not enjoy thinking much? There is nothing wrong with having an intellectual in office, as long as his mind is tempered with reality. This bothers certain folks, though, for some reason. The arugula thing. My response: in a country where one in 19 people develop colon cancer, we could use a little arugula in our diet.

Greg Oden Injury Reaction

They only put people on the news who know what they're talking about...

http://www.kgw.com/video/video-index.html?nvid=297942&shu=1

James

NAFFSL - Tuesday's Trash 10/21/08

What a momentus week in the NAFFSL. A lot happened. A lot shookdown. We're closing in on the halfway point of the season and there is some important news and conclusions to be shared.

- Flying FUPAs claims the sole top spot. The draft 4 RBs to start the draft with strategy has paid off. And he carries the league's only 6 game win streak. Well played.
- Jason Lawton's draft strategies did not work out very well. Duckman sits in 14th place and Go Ducks! is in 11th place. Not a good year for the Ducks I guess.
- Rookie of the Year candidates:
1. Usain-ity (4th place) - Will he last Reggie Bush's torn Meniscus?
2. Rookie Holdouts (6th place)
3. Asian Empire (7th place)
- Most consistent performer - Nate Look (13th place)
- High Score of week 7: Asian Empire (103.69)
- Low Score of week 7: Johnny Drama (46.65)
- Closest game of the year - Go Ducks! (68.70) over Undecided (68.52)
- Parity seems good this yar, with 10 teams in legitimate positions close to the halfway point.
- Remember the top 6 make it into the playoffs. With the top 2 teams getting first round byes for all the hard work.
- RB Watch:
1. Clinton Portis (131.03)
2. Reggie Bush (121.80 + A Torn Meniscus)
3. Marion Barber III (118.97)
4. Matt Forte (109.62)
5. Frank Gore (108.15)
6. Adrian Peterson (105.73)
7. Steven Jackson (98.32)
13. LaDainian Tomlinson (84.60 - Weak Sauce)
- WR Watch:
1. Greg Jennings (78.92)
2. Larry Fitzgerald (75.40)
3. Santana Moss (70.62 - Not Randy Moss)
4. Brandon Marshall (70.12)
5. Calvin Johnson (67.65)

That's it for this week. Feel free to add whatever you would like to the comments section. And get yourself a Snuggie (see below.) An effing blanket with sleeves...!

Commish.

The Snuggie!

For all of you that have girlfriends that complain about being cold all the time... Introduce her to the cult of the Snuggie!



Let me know how it works out for you.

James

NAFFSL - Tuesday's Trash 10/14/08

Coming off the Columbus Day bank holiday is this week's Tuesday's Trash. I'm a bit busy so bear with me and the short trash this week...

- Pac-Man Jones award for most likely to be suspended by the commish - Matt Brown's Lions of Judah.
- Rome-o has fallen - all great civilizations must come to an end...


That's it for this week until I have more time to add material. Add your own if you would like in the comments section.

Commish.

NAFFSL - Tuesday's Trash 10/7/08

Ladies,

- The top spot has once again fallen to Brown's Lions of Judah (432.65)
- Miami Dolphins award - Maple Bar Hyperlink (even the Dolphins got one wine last season...)
- High Score of the Week - Lions of Judah (98.20)
- Weak Sauce of the Week - Asian Empire (62.76)

I'm pretty busy today so that's all I've got for now. Post comments if you want your voice heard.

Commish.

P.S. Westbrook has two broken ribs.

The Seriously... Switzerland(?) Investment Club - Update

It is official.

Starting back in July and going into October, The Seriously Switzerland Investment Club is now up and running. With 9 founding members and over $5,000 in startup capital we intend on becoming Bigger, Stronger and Faster than the famous Mutual Investment Club of Detroit (http://www.retirementsavingsclub.com/). We currently have a moratorium on new membership until 2009. But with a cap of 15 members, we still have room for 6 new members. If you're interested, let me know and we will get you some more details...

"When there's blood in the streets... Buy Stock."
- Baron Rothschild

James

NAFFSL - Tuesday's Trash 9/30/08

Ladies,

Here is Tuesday's Trash. It's been an eventful week as always...

- St. Louis Rams Award - Maple Bar Hyperlink (0-4)

- High Scores of the Week - Godwin's Law (110.20), Undecided (104.80)

- High Score of the Season - Godwin's Law (110.20)

- Undecided puts up two consecutive 100 point weeks.

- Momentum teams of the Week (each with 3 wins in a row) - Godwin's Law, Lions of Judah, Flying FUPAs

- Weak Sauce teams of the Week (each with 3 or more losses in a row) - Go Ducks!, Maple Bar Hyperlink

- RB Watch:
1. Michael Turner (73.68)
2. Frank Gore (71.05)
3. Marion Barber (70.63)
4. Reggie Bush (70.02)
5. Adrian Peterson (65.72)

- WR Watch:
1. Anquan Boldin (61.15)
2. Santana Moss (55.52)
3. Brandon Marshall (52.28)
4. Greg Jennings (50.38)
5. Terrell Owens (46.95)

That's it for now, I may update some more later today if I have time.

Commish

Jake - Fartman

Time to try out Beano, Gas-X, Pepto or something...

http://www.wsaz.com/news/headlines/29653059.html

James

Sick Watch - Day 2

Yesterday marked the 3rd day during DJ's self-imposed smoking ban that he has taken a day off due to the "flu."

That must be one hell of set of withdrawals he's going through.

James

Sick Watch

Yesterday marks day two of time taken off by DJ Harriman during his self-imposed attempt to quit smoking. The following questions remain:

- Is he really sick?
- Is it the withdrawals from quitting smoking?
- Did he forget to put his patch on?
- Did he put two patches on by accident?
- Will he ever get off the nicotine?
- Will he switch to chaw?
- Will he switch to meth?
- Is his immune system forever destroyed because of his smoking habit?
- How much sick time does he have left?

Only time will tell... Only time will tell.

James

NAFFSL - Tuesday's Trash 9/23/08

Welcome to week 3 of the NAFFSL's Tuesday's Trash.

The following are notes from the past week and they are quite eventful:

- You never bench LT. Ever. Nate.

- This year's best sell - Randy Moss to Brown's team.

- Best trader this year - Zach's Undecided

- This year's front runner for the St. Louis Rams award = Maple Bar Hyperlink (0-3)

- Ronnie Brown 5 total TDs. Nice autodraft pick Zach.

- Week 4 - Big bye week for a lot of teams, I think we'll start to see teams filter up and down based upon depth at their key positions.

- I so Hiiiiiiiiiiigh... score of the week - Undecided (105.36 - On Ronnie Brown's 5 TD day.)

- Weak Sauce score of the week - Go Ducks! (50.57 - Luckily the Baltimore defense kept this score above 40.)

- Momentum teams of the week - There are three teams with 2 game winning streaks - Lions of Judah, Flying FUPAS, Godwin's Law.

- There is one team with a 3 game losing streak - St. Louis Rams... I mean Maple Bar Hyperlink.

- RB Watch
1. Michael The Burner Turner (67.90)
2. Marion Barber III (66.80)
3. Reggie Bush (65.20 - Wow...!)
4. Frank Gore (58.28)
5. Ronnie Brown (55.71 - Pretty much all in one game...)

- WR Watch
1. Anquan Boldin (44.72)
2. Santana Moss (43.85)
3. Brandon Marshall (39.40 - That's with a one game suspension too.)
4. Chris Chambers (35.77 - Is this the return of the Chris Chambers from the Miami Dolphins for that one season...?)
5. Larry Fitzgerald (35.53 - Wow... Arizona WRs....)

Thanks for reading ladies. As always, make sure you send Nate your waiver pickups by 5 pm today.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

Commish.

NAFFSL - Tuesday's Trash 9/16/08

Ladies,

Today's trash features the following news:

- In a Jake Rossman-esque move, DeSean Jackson pulls a Leon Lett and costs Jake 6 points, probably costs himself more passes thrown his way and ultimately costs Jake the game against Godwin's Law (76.76 - 58.11)

- Cheech & Chong High Score of the Week - Johnny Drama (93.72)

- Weak Sauce Score of the Week - The Nizzle's Maple Bar Hyperlink (54.97)

- Worst Team Name of the Week - Maple Bar Hyperlink

- Weak Ass Manager of the Week - Jake Rossman

- RB Watch:
- Westbrook (49.97)
- Barber III (44.85)
- Parker (42.30)
- Turner (39.50)
- Bush (37.15) - Wow... Bush.

- WR Watch:
- Boldin (36.30)
- Royal (31.80)
- Owens (31.73)
- S. Moss (31.10)
- Calvin Johnson (30.98)

- Sharp TV Deals - If you're interested and are not on the weak ass manager list, please e-mail me for more details.

- Nate will again be handling waivers. Please e-mail him before 5 pm with your waiver pickups.

Commish

SS Investment Club - Side Effects

The first of the side effects of joining the Seriously... Switzerland(?) investment club has been felt by none other than DJ "The Butcher" Harriman.

Interestingly, DJ, the only current writer on the blog that has not left his first job also seems to take the most sick days of all of us. Maybe even more than all of us combined. On Monday, DJ called in sick... again. Why you ask? I have a hypothesis. DJ's attempt to save $50 per month by quitting smoking has led to "smoker's withdrawals." The weakened immune system and the nerves of not having his fix probably brought it on. I guess the Nicoderm CQ isn't quite up to snuff. At least we all know his "illness" isn't contagious.

If you ask me, quitting the smoke stacks is a small price to pay for the eternal wealth of a smokeless mind.

James

NAFFSL - Tuesday's Trash 9/9/08

Ladies,

The following is the latest installment of Tuesday's Trash... Let the games begin.

- Jake Rossman - Quoting from last week's trash... "Get's greedy goes for Brady." Greed went out of style in the 1980's. Of note, Jake is attempting a trade for OSU Beaver Derek Anderson. Note 1 - Jake will over pay for OSU players. Note 2 - Jake overvalues QBs.

- Cheech & Chong's High Score of the Week - Jason Lawton's Go Ducks! (100.64 points)
- Nice games from Fast Willie Parker and Brian Westbrook.

- Weak Sauce Score of the Week - Wood's Duckman (42.31 points)
- Quoting Lawton, "Man I drafted my cousin a good team, I wish I had them..."

- Overconfident Manager of the Week - Matt Brown
- Thinking he was going to win... Matt Brown suffers defeat. Funny.

- First Defense taken in the draft by Jake (Minnesota - 7th round) scores 2 points. Last Defense taken off waivers by James (Arizona - Free Agency) scores 14 points. I wasn't mocking your defense picks for no reason.

- QB Watch:
1. Donavon McNabb (19.52)
2. Drew Brees (18.86)
3. Aaron Rodgers (17.06)
24. Matt Hasselgarbage (7.80) - Love the pick Gelfand.

- RB Watch:
1. Michael The Burner Turner (34.65)
2. Fast Willie Parker (31.80)
3. Marion Barber (22.15)

That's it for now. Feel free to comment at your leisure. Good luck with waivers and next week. You're going to need it.

Commish.

NAFFSL - Tuesday's Trash Thursday 9/4/08

Ladies,

The following is the Commissioner's note board known affectionately as "Tuesday's Trash." If you would like the Commissioner to add any good news about the week's happenings please let him know and he will put up the info. Anyways, on to the Trash!

Tuesday's Trash:

- Nate - Takes the first rookie of the Draft, Darren McFadden... Will he be the next Adrian Peterson or Cadillac Williams?

- Dom - Can the Purple Jesus last a whole season? Reggie Bush... Biggest flop of the decade? Houston Texans and Mario Williams are laughing right now.

- Lawton - Go Ducks! lands no Ducks and one Husky. Someone sell Jonathan Stewart high right now! Wes Welker, 3rd round reach?

- Jake - Get's greedy, goes for Brady. Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning falls to 9th round. Will Brady's broken foot spoil Jake's season? Maybe, Unless the Love Muhsin has something to say about it.

- James - Has holistic medicine cured Ricky Williams of his Pot addiction? In the 6th round, Williams has major upside written all over him. Will Coles be Farva's next Jennings? Will Rudi Johnson in the 10th round emerge? A team full of upside and no defense yet...

- Cuong - Drew Brees, 2nd round reach? Probably. But you never know what's going to happen now that Brees has the Shocker. Is 1.5 starting RBs going to cut it for this team?

- Zach - The ghost drafting team actually turned in a good performance. Biggest question mark... Ronnie Brown. And a Zach favorite also fell to him... Old man Ahman Green. Interested in Ricky Williams Zach?

- Brown - Solid WR corps with Marvin Harrison picked in the super value position in the 5th round. That would have never happened in 2004.

- Wood - Best Manager name in the draft award goes to... Wood. Duckman lands no Ducks. Lawton drafts for Wood and brings home a solid team. Is MJD the real deal or not?

- Dave - Johnny Drama... Need I say more? Romo and TO before Peyton Manning. Let's give Drama Jessica Simpson for free. Despite the interesting draft strategy, Drama lands a very solid team. I love Johnny Drama.

- Riper - Big Ben, 3rd round. Interesting. The departure from the 5 TE strategy may pay off for Riper this year. But with only 2 starting RBs, does Riper have enough to push through the bye weeks?

- Loren - The Mennonites, I mean Thompsonites, roll the dice with Jonathan Stewart. Will he win the starting job? With only 1 other starting RB his season hinges on Stewart... Already.

- Gelfland - The Flying FUPAs, great name, draft 4 RBs to start with and may be in a controlling trade position. Teams with only 1.5 or 2 RBs, this is the guy to talk to. Hasselbeck... Garbage! A bit of a reach there... again.

- Rick - Solid WR corps ala Brown. But does he have enough RBs to make it through the season?

Common themes this season:

- Rookie Managers do not have enough RBs.
- QBs drafted too high
- K and DEF drafted too high

Commish

NAFFSL - Draft Order

This year's draft order is as follows:

1. Maple Bar Hyperlink - Nate
2. Usainity - Dominic
3. Go Ducks! - Lawton
4. Rookie Holdouts - Jake
5. Godwin's Law - James
6. Gameday - Cuong
7. Undecided - Zach
8. Lions of Judah - Brown
9. Duckman - Wood
10. Johnny Drama - Dave
11. Tugg Speedman - Riper
12. Thompsonites - Loren
13. Flying FUPAS - Gelfand
14. Asian Empire - Rick

Commish

NAFFSL - DRAFT

Ladies,

This blog post will be live updated once the draft begins. Stay Tuned!

Round 1 -

1. LaDainian Tomlinson - Nate
2. Adrian Peterson - Dom
3. Brian Westbrook - Lawton
4. Tom Brady - Jake
5. Steven Jackson - James
6. Joseph Addai - Cuong
7. Randy Moss - Zach
8. Marion Barber III - Brown
9. Maurice Jones-Drew - Wood
10. Terrell Owens - Davis
11. Marshawn Lynch - Riper
12. Reggie Wayne - Loren
13. Clinton Portis - Gelfand
14. Ryan Grant - Rick

Round 2 -

1. Andre Johnson - Rick
2. Frank Gore - Gelfand
3. Larry Johnson - Loren
4. Earnest Graham - Riper
5. Tony Romo - Dave
6. Laurence Maroney - Wood
7. Larry Fitzgerald - Brown
8. Peyton Manning - Zach
9. Drew Brees - Cuong
10. Willis McGahee - James
11. Michael Turner - Jake
12. Willie Parker - Lawton
13. Reggis Bush - Dom
14. Braylon Edwards - Nate

Round 3 -

1. Darren McFadden - Nate
2. TJ Houshmanzadeh - Dom
3. Wes Welker - Lawton
4. Marques Colston - Jake
5. Brandon Marshall - James
6. Chad Johnson - Cuong
7. Brandon Jacobs - Zach
8. Selvin Young - Brown
9. Plaxico Burress - Wood
10. Jamal Lewis - Dave
11. Ben Roethlisberger - Riper
12. Carson Palmer - Loren
13. Thomas Jones - Gelfand
14. Steve Smith - Rick

Round 4 -

1. Torry Holt - Rick
2. Edgerrin James - Gelfand
3. Jonathan Stewart - Loren
4. Jerricho Cotchery - Riper
5. Santonio Holmes - Dave
6. Anquan Boldin - Wood
7. Roy Williams - Matt
8. Ronnie Brown - Zach
9. Calvin Johnson - Cuong
10. Greg Jennings - James
11. Matt Forte - Jake
12. Rashard Mendenhall - Lawton
13. Antonio Gates - Dom
14. Derek Anderson - Nate

Round 5 -

1. LenDale White - Nate
2. Kellen Winslow Jr. - Dom
3. Jason Witten - Lawton
4. Hines Ward - Jake
5. Laveranues Coles - James
6. Kevin Smith - Cuong
7. Roddy White - Zach
8. Marvin Harrison- Matt
9. Vince Young - Wood
10. Fred Taylor - Dave
11. Dallas Clark - Riper
12. Dwayne Bowe - Loren
13. Donald Driver - Gelfand
14. Kurt Warner - Rick

Round 6 -

1. Chris Johnson - Rick
2. Matt Hasselback - Gelfand
3. Lee Evans - Loren
4. Chris Chambers - Riper
5. Santana Moss - Dave
6. Julius Jones - Wood
7. Chris Perry - Matt
8. Tony Gonzalez - Zach
9. Kenny Watson - Cuong
10. Ricky Williams - James
11. Chris Cooley - Jake
12. Nate Burleson - Lawton
13. Donavon McNabb - Dom
14. Anthony Gonzalez - Nate

Round 7 -

1. Justin Fargas - Nate
2. Alge Crumpler - Dom
3. Matt Schaub - Lawton
4. Minnesota D - Jake
5. Joey Galloway - James
6. Jake Delhomme - Cuong
7. Deangelo Williams - Zach
8. Bernard Berrian - Matt
9. Javon Walker - Wood
10. Charger D - Dave
11. Bears D - Riper
12. Chester Taylor - Loren
13. Patrick Crayton - Gelfand
14. Jay Cutler - Rick

Round 8 -

1. Maurice Morris - Rick
2. David Garrard - Gelfand
3. Deion Branch - Loren
4. Adam Vinitieri - Riper
5. Chris Brown - Dave
6. Reggie Browm - Wood
7. Brett Favre - Brown
8. Marc Bulger - Zach
9. Jeremey Shockey - Cuong
10. Jon Kitna - James
11. Ray Rice - Jake
12. Reggie Williams - Lawton
13. Seahawks D - Dom
14. Donte Stallworth - Nate

Round 9 -

1. Ted Ginn Jr. - Nate
2. Steve Slaton - Dom
3. Eli Manning - Lawton
4. Desean Jackson - Jake
5. Derrick Mason - James
6. Steeler D - Cuong
7. Kevin Curtis - Zach
8. Felix Jones - Matt
9. Bryant Johnson - Wood
10. Heath Miller - Dave
11. Bobby Engram - Riper
12. Nick Folk - Loren
13. Devin Heater - Gelfand
14. Ronald Curry - Rick

Round 10 -

1. Vernon Davis - Rick
2. Isaac Bruce - Gelfand
3. Philip Rivers - Loren
4. Marcedes Lewis - Riper
5. Deuce McAllister - Dave
6. Jason Campbell - Wood
7. Aaron Rodgers - Matt
8. Ahman Green - Zach
9. James Hardy - Cuong
10. Rudi Johnson - James
11. Mushin Muhammad - Jake
12. Dallas D - Lawton
13. Jabar Gaffney - Dom
14. Jeff Garcia - Nate

Round 11 -

1. Sidney Rice - Nate
2. Andre Hall - Com
3. Vincent Jackson - Lawton
4. Stephen Gostkowski - Jake
5. JaMarcus Russell - James
6. Todd Heap - Cuong
7. Owen Daniels - Zach
8. Leon Washington - Matt
9. Sammy Morris - Wood
10. Kevin Jones - Dave
11. Jerious Norwood - Riper
12. Ryan Torain - Loren
13. Ahmad Bradshaw - Gelfand
14. Dominic Rhodes - Rick

Round 12 -

1. Tampa D - Rick
2. Drew Bennett - Gelfand
3. New England D - Loren
4. Justin Gage - Riper
5. Antwaan Ramdle El - Dave
6. Chauncey Washington - Wood
7. Eddie Royal - Matt
8. DJ Hackett - Zach
9. Darren Sproles - Cuong
10. Correll Buckhalter - James
11. Matt Jones - Jake
12. Lorenzo Booker - Lawton
13. Chad Pennington - Dom
14. Courtney Taylor - Nate

Round 13 -

1. Packer D - Nate
2. Eagles D - Dom
3. Brandon Jackson - Lawton
4. Tarvaris Jackson - Jake
5. Chris Henry (WR) - James
6. Josh Brown - Cuong
7. Jerry Porter - Zach
8. Ravens D - Matt
9. Indy D - Wood
10. Nate Kaeding - Dave
11. Ben Watson - Riper
12. Shaun McDonald - Loren
13. James Jones - Gelfand
14. Tim Hightower - Rick

Round 14 -

1. Rob Bironas - Rick
2. Phil Dawdon - Gelfand
3. Jason Wright - Loren
4. Troy Smith - Riper
5. Jacksonville D - Dave
6. Shayne Graham - Wood
7. Matt Prater - Matt
8. Jeff Reed - Zach
9. Donnie Avery - Cuong
10. Mason Crosby - James
11. Adrian Peterson (Chi) - Jake
12. Rian Lindell - Lawton
13. Kris Brown - Dom
14. Neil Rackers - Nate

Final Preseason E-Mail - North American Fantasy Football Super League

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The draft is TONIGHT, Wednesday, September 3rd @ 7 pm. Details are below. PLEASE READ.

Paid & Registered:

1. James Luu (PAID & Registered)
2. Christopher Riper (PAID & Registered)
3. Dominic Wong (PAID & Registered)
4. Dave Szamet (PAID & Registered)
5. Matthew Brown (PAID & Registered)
6. Nathaniel Look-Ng (PAID & Registered)
7. Cuong Luu (PAID & Registered)
8. Loren Thompson (PAID & Registered)
9. Tyler Gelfand (PAID & Registered)

Unpaid & Registered:

10. Jake Rossman (UNPAID & Registered)
11. Nate’s Uncle Rick Wong (UNPAID & Registered)
12. Jason Lawton (UNPAID & Registered)
13. Zach Brumbelow (UNPAID & Registered)
14. Mark Wood (UNPAID & Registered)

Please bring your payment to the draft tomorrow or pay via PayPal by the draft. If you haven’t paid by the end of week one your team will be frozen and you will not be able to make any moves. If you don’t pay by the beginning of week 2 you will be banned for life from the league. At a very minimum please talk to the commissioner if this is a hardship for you and we will try to develop a work around. You can make PayPal payments to me at jluu111@yahoo.com or jluu@cpbank.net.

ADDRESS/DIRECTIONS:

2723 SE 77th Ave.
Portland, OR 97206
(503) 975-1508

Take Division St. east to the Mt. Tabor area. Go south on 77th. 3rd house on the right after the dead end sign.

PHONE-IN INSTRUCTIONS:

If you are out of the area, we can phone you in or draft via a proxy paper list. If you have a Skype account please send to me your username. This will be the preferred phone in method. It is free to set up and we can conference everyone in at once. Also, if you plan on calling in not using Skype, please send to me your phone number so that we can get you on someone’s speakerphone.

BLOG INSTRUCTIONS:

www.seriouslyswitzerland.com

You can follow all the action round-by-round from the above blog. I will be live updating this as the draft progresses.

ADDITIONAL LEAGUE/DRAFT DETAILS:

- 14 Round draft
- 0.25 points per reception
- Waivers will be handled by Yahoo this year
- I will be locking teams from using waivers until after the Monday Night game each week. Therefore it will be nearly impossible for anyone to jump the gun on waiver pickups.
- Managers that have not made draft arrangements (not showing up) will be using the default Yahoo draft list for the draft.

See you tonight ladies!

Commish

And then there was one...

First Dave. Then James. Then Jake. Now Tim. And then we are left with one... DJ, Da Butcher.

On Friday, the unemployment line gets longer. Who's got the over/under on Da Butcher himself? I'm gonna throw out 2 years.

James

Bikini Coffee Battle

A brief trip to the Bikini Coffee Shop in downtown Portland two weeks ago was interesting. The girls were in bikinis. The shop was small. The prices were high. The coffee was mediocre. Nothing special.

And then I read this...

http://www.oregonlive.com/news/index.ssf/2008/08/bikini_barista_steams_parkland.html

Awesome.

James

Ogden Watch - Part 2

Check out Ogden. And check out the alley-oop dunk at the end.

Greg Oden works out for a crowd

Word.

James

Food (Lettuce) for thought…

http://www.minyanville.com/articles/S-P-cheech-chong-spx-500/index/a/18460/from/yahoo

James

DJ's moonlighting adventures

Who knew...

http://www.800dj.com/browsedj/tennessee/disc-jockeys/harriman/

"Find a DJ with our Free DJ Locator Service. We have both highly recommended and very affordable djs. Compare prices and you'll get the best service that fits your budget."

- I wonder how much we could get his girlfriend to pay for this service...

"Often times the most credible djs will have several past customer references you can call to ask about their experience with the DJ Service."

- DJ... What is this DJ Service they are talking about? Does it have anything to do with slicing?

"To find a dj or to "rent-a-dj", you've come to the right website! They can even do an in-home meeting, even perhaps meet with you directly at the facility or venue in which you are having your event. We'd like to say that we have the "best djs in Harriman" but we will leave that up to you!"

- Awesome!

James

Jake Rossman... Portland's next Tobias Funke?

In homage to Portland's next Tobias Funke... I present to you. The Jizzle, Jake Rossman. Skills: Audience Member.

http://www.patagreenroom.org/memberpage.php?indiv_id=1514

And his inspiration... Dr. Tobias Funke.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tobias_F%C3%BCnke

James

P.S. Jake's resume - "Can catch tossed grapes in my mouth." Awesome.

The Australian Andrew Kehoe

For those who know Andrew Kehoe. And for those that don't. Could this be his Australian counterpart?

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23530849-details/Google's+Street+View+captures+the+moment+a+drunken+Aussie+keeled+over+outside+his+home/article.do

James

Mr. T (of all people!) adopts the Switzerland position

Watch this:
http://www.tmz.com/2008/07/29/mr-t-i-pity-the-homophobic-fool/

Clearly, this is nothing more than a demonstration of somebody being a total unstoppable badass.

Then watch this:
http://www.tmz.com/tmz_main_video?titleid=1719845835

“I’ve been pitying fools for 28 years!” … but not for their insensitivities to ethnicity, culture, orientation or exercise techniques. Those fools deserve no pity.

Ogden Watch - Part 1

Judging from the music in this video, the star of it can only realistically be one of three people: Chuck Norris, Mario van Peebles or Ogden.



Andrew Bynum is going to die at the hands of the OGDEN!

Tools for my Homeboys and Homegirls

www.urbandrinks.com

You're welcome.

James

Edited for Content

News: Load of bananas is free for the taking. Fark: Because the truck carrying them hit a buffalo. Switzerland: The online newspaper reporting this has censored words in their comments section that obstructs getting to the m-e-a-t of the matter (read beneath article).

http://www.gazetteonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080806/NEWS/624718666/1006/news

Maybe it is just me and my crazy perception of the world, but wouldn’t the only people who would perceive obscenity in this NOT be offended by it? You can’t be too sure. We don’t want to offend anyone’s sense of decency.

In light of the heightened state of linguistic scrutiny in effect on the world wide web, the following terms shall be hereby banned from future use at Seriously… Switzerland:
- meat
- period
- wasted
- gubernatorial
- asinine
- jiggle
- duck
- suck
- blow
- hammer
- nail
- any words involving reference to a human or non-human body part or bodily function
- any words involving reference to the 1992 Detroit Red Wings or its members
- any words or phrases which in the mind of any foreseeable crazed lunatic could comprise a violation of the U.S. Digital Millenium Copyright Act

Switzerland... the program

This my friends is the beginning of a new era. The era of Switzerland. The era of neutrality. The era of sticking it to the man. Men like Comcast. Check out this CNET link.

http://www.download.com/8301-2007_4-10006174-12.html?hhTest=1&tag=cnetfd.mt

Or just read this copy/pasted version below.

August 4, 2008 6:37 PM PDT

EFF introduces Switzerland...the program

Posted by Seth Rosenblatt 9 comments

The Electronic Frontier Foundation has released an open-source, cross-platform program designed to track your packets and determine if your ISP is throttling your connection to torrents, VoIP, and other legal, high-bandwidth consuming communications. Called "Switzerland" and licensed under the GPL, it's very much in an alpha state and is only a command-line tool at the moment. Also, you're going to have to compile it yourself--that's not the most challenging task, but this isn't a simple self-extracting app.

According to the EFF, Switzerland works by spotting IP packets that have been forged or modified between clients, informing you of the change, and providing you copies of the modified packets. "The software uses a semi-P2P, server-and-many-clients architecture. Whenever the clients send packets to each other, the server will attempt to determine if any of them were dropped, forged, or modified," says the Switzerland Web site.

As far as usage goes, the EFF says that Switzerland is compatible with NAT firewalls, although some NAT firewalls may have to be disabled to test the ISP in front of it, because of the modifications that some firewalls make to packets.

I do wonder at the logic of the name, though. Referencing the "neutral" country is cute, but what's going to happen when somebody tries to find the program through a search engine? Googling "Switzerland" returns 234 million results, give or take.

Anyway, Switzerland is not the first packet-testing program around. What is special about it, though, is that unlike, for example, the plug-in for the Vuze/Azureus torrent client, Switzerland isn't tied to any host program. The open-source license, combined with the backing of a visible group like the EFF and the building awareness in both politicians and the general public of what Net Neutrality is about, could have serious ramifications for combating false promises of Net Neutrality from ISPs like Comcast.

James

P.S. Switzerland says... Eff the man.

Mulligan

After careful deliberation, the Senior staff here at the Seriously... Switzerland(?) blog has decided to give the two newest Copy Boys of the blog a second chance. Below are the criteria for promotion to Jr. Writer:

- Introduce yourself.
- Keep the conversation on topic (job whining and WoW do not qualify.)
- Use correct grammar.
- Use proper formatting.
- Be original, clever, creative and consistent.
- Bring it.

This will again be judged by the Sr. Staff.

James

Lists

When I get bored, I sometimes make lists. Right now, I am extremely bored, and have been manufacturing lists. Example (limited to five a piece, in the spirit of High Fidelity):

Worst songs for a wedding reception:

- Back Off Bitch, Guns & Roses
- Losing My Way, Justin Timberlake (about crack addiction)
- Harvey The Wonder Hamster, Weird Al
- Sir Psycho Sexy, Red Hot Chili Peppers
- Ghetto D, Master P

Bonus song: The goddamned Sir Mix-a-Lot big butts song. I think everyone in the nation has by this point sufficiently expressed their preference for big butts. We don’t need to reiterate it in front of the grandparents AGAIN.

Roll Call....Jake is Present

Is it just me or does it feel like James is coaxing an 8-week old puppy into the water for the first time? Except, DJ and I don’t get a little tasty treat once we begin blogging, we get the distinguished honor of not being copy boy #1 (Blog Bitch #1) and copy boy #2 (Blog Bitch #2). After James sent out an email explaining the possibility of both DJ and I attaining the aforementioned rank, I promptly pulled up MS Word on my trusty Macbook and began to type out a few sentences.

For the better half of the morning and until just a little after 1pm I have been feeding my addiction, also known as WOW or World of Warcraft. It’s a sickness that I am hoping to cure myself of once I get a job. However, getting a job is a bit tricky when I can’t tear myself away from slaying Orcs, Badland Buzzards and Roc Trolls. Every time I hold up my poison tipped daggers, I feel compelled to level up or complete the next quest because I know when I reach level 45, my phone is going to ring.

“Hi Jake, it’s Sara Jean Underwood.”

“Oh hi Sara Jean…How are you?”

“I am really turned on right now, that’s how I’m doing.”

“Why hello to you too. To be honest, I thought that might have been your Warlock character across the dungeon staring my level 45 rogue biceps.”

“When you tore through that undead minion’s soul, a fire inside my pants erupted and I have to have you now!”

“My address is….I am really close to Scappoose, do you want me to come over to your place? We can get a LAN game going while we umm...”

Ok, it wasn’t quite like that. It was an automated call form AT&T telling me about my new phone service, which I actually activated five months ago. Great customer service guys! But, the woman’s voice was quite sultry and I could tell she wanted me.

Lastly, if you want to see and feel what licking white dog shit is like, go to see Step Brothers. I never thought for once that moldy poo could fill one with such humor and gaiety.

With this blog I do swear that as the now appointed Jr. Writer, I will now and forever take Switzerland seriously.

The Fucking Hotline

This may sound racist, but I like to think of it as culturally bias...



At work this morning, I was assisting the gals with the our Medical Hotline, when I took a call from one of the many hospitals (700) within our practice.



Dr. Nagaraj (Indian) was whom I was speaking with, I advised him that unless this was an emergency (Pet dying on the surgery table) that he would have to wait for a medical consultation from one of our Senior Staff.



He became irate, acting like a two year not getting his way. I asked if there was any way that I could help whilst holding on the line with him, he said one of his clients had specific questions about moving to Hawaii with their Pet. I responded, "there is information available to you on the web", he stated "he didn't have time for that because he's above that (even though I gave him the link via email), to which I replied "would you like me to walk you through the information that I have available" (I wrote detailed instructions that have been published in our internal database 2 years ago). I walked him through the process only to find out that he wasn't listening and had several questions. At this point I was infuriated and about to lose my temper, I mean I'm not the one seeing the patient make your own damn fucking decision and get the Pet ready for Hawaii. He went to Vet School I didn't.



He asked if I could send the information to his email, I said "yes it will be in your inbox momentarily, I'll call back in 4 minutes to verify that you've received it", and we ended our conversation. I called back 3 minutes later and he stated, "the client left to go to another location to get care from someone who knows what they're doing". I secretly rolled my eyes and snickered before asking if I could assist him in any other way. Before he ended our conversation he blamed me for losing that client...



First off, I hate talking with elitists who think that you're sole purpose in life is to make their day better, or for that matter think that everyone they talk to is below them.



Secondly, it may be just me but Indian doctors have problems communicating over the phone, which makes for a frustrating conversation.



Lastly, who the fuck in their write mind blames someone for something they've done wrong or don't have the answers to. I mean he's the one seeking knowledge, maybe he should step off his podium and fucking listen the first time.



Have any of you had a similar experience, dealing with a person whose an elitist?



Damn I need a cigarette...

The Butcher and The Jizzle

I would like to take this moment to introduce two new members to the Seriously... Switzerland(?) blog. These two new members' induction into the blog has been in discussion for quite a while and I am now pleased to introduce DJ Harriman (AKA The Butcher) and Jake Rossman (AKA The Jizzle) to the blog. This brings our current pot-stirrer count to a total of 5. Below is the roll call:

Sr. Editor - James
Editor - Dave
Sr. Writer - T$
Copy Boy - DJ
Copy Boy - Jake

Please welcome the new guys. And new guys, please write an introduction piece to begin your time here at Seriously... Switzerland(?)

James

The Seriously... Switzerland(?) Investment Club

Yes, I know... It's been 5 months since the last posting on the Seriously... Switzerland(?) blog. But I thought you all would like to know that Joey still has the stupid stripe on him. And the format of the blog is changing a little bit. Seriously... Switzerland(?) is now home to the new Seriously... Switzerland(?) investment club.

This blog will still contain the same material as before, but with new members and hopefully a portfolio management addition, the blog will serve a dual purpose.

Stay tuned.

James

El Gato Negro

Joey. El Gato Negro. Little Bitch. Fuck Face.

The cat goes by many names. But as of today, it gets a new one. Side-Stripe.

I can hear the Little Bitch right now as I type up this post. He's meowing because his tooth hurts. You ask why? Well, I was in California last week visiting Dave and I wasn't home to witness the quality cat handling skills of his keeper.

But when I got back, it turns out that Fuck Face had a busted tooth that had to be extracted. For reasons unknown. But I would give it a rough estimate that Side-Stripe's keeper fails to brush his teeth. Why? You take a guess. (I'll give you a hint, his name starts with DJ.)

Allegedly, the cat needed to be put under in order to extract the tooth. What a pussy.

And in order to do that, they had to give him a side-stripe in order to inject him with drugs. At the whopping cost of something like $400. It was probably worth it to put him down. (It would have definitely saved lots of people a lot of time and money.)

But no. Instead of having a useless cat that sheds and does nothing but make a mess. There now resides a cat in my house that sheds, does nothing, makes a mess and has a stupid ass Side-Stripe.

Seriously?

Yeah... Switzerland.

Parents Pets Cont'd

My parents (for the most part) have always been animal junkies. When I was young, I complained because we had no animals. Once my parents relented, the flood gates were open. Currently, my parents have two dogs, three cats, and a parrot. We used to have an iguana, but iguana's are not pets. Iguana's are lizards.

T$'s story reminded me of a recent tale. Two years ago, a cat landed on my parent's front yard. This stray arrived in fine fashion. He had a dog food can stuck to his head. I wish I had a picture to show you, but you will have to use your imagination.

Since the arrival of this cat, which has had about a dozen names (I call him "The Virus"), my parent's home has never been the same. One would think that a cat meandering the neighborhood with a can stuck to his head would be empty-headed, but as it turns out, this is the most intelligent cat to ever been born. There are plenty of stories that I could share to prove this but this one shall suffice.

About a month ago, southern California was being pounded by winter storms. "The Virus" like most cats, hates getting wet. What's a cat that needs to pee to do? My mother would shove him out the door, but he would hang out under the awning. This cat does not like liquid. My mother let's "The Virus" back into the house.

Meanwhile, my youngest brother is in the bathroom fixing his hair when "The Virus" makes his way back into the bathroom. My brother is admiring himself in the mirror when he hears the sound of liquid splashing in the toliet water. Unsure, my brother turns to invistigate the noise. Low and behold, "The Virus" is taking a piss. The cat has taught himself to use the toliet.

Now, I know that cat's can be trained to do this, but this cat has not. My parents do not even have litter boxes. I have researched the process to train a cat to do this and it does not look simple. So, true to his name, "The Virus" has adapted and could soon be spreading.

Dear Baby Jesus: A Special Delivery.

My parents got a dog when all their kids left the house. A cute little Malamute named Nikita with a grin and floppy tongue. She also has a thick coat of soft hair which is as cute as it is voluminous: a fire hose of fur when she sheds (which is often). Aside from the hair that clings determinably to clothes, people seem to love this dog because of her friendly personality and appealing appearance. But her temperament and physical characteristics are irrelevant for the purposes of this story, aside from her unremarkable ability to crap on a regular basis.

This dog, like most others, gets walked on a predictable schedule. I expect that this resulting compulsion to go out for walks was also an ancillary reason for my parents to acquire her. Anyway, I had the pleasure of accompanying my dad and Nikki on a walk when I was home in Spokane a couple years ago. Our route has us leave the house, meander around the neighborhood (a miniature version of a Beaverton suburban maze) a bit, hang a left on Mill Road and then head up into an undeveloped forested zone behind my old high school. About halfway between the neighborhood and the forest, though, is the Northview Bible Church, a bastion of American sub-culture Christianity. Now, I had been to this church fairly regularly when I was in High School, largely because of its proximity. This is the sort of place where you get preached the critical importance of loving the world, but are simultaneously encouraged to distance yourself from non-Christian friends. The kind of prayerland where you are invited to worship the Almighty in your own way, and then are given a look askew if you do so in any way which varies from the status quo. I can tell you from extensive experience that these are genuinely nice people, who time and again demonstrate obliviousness of their hypocrisy. And yes, a republican voting record appeared mandatory for membership.

Now my parents are normally very dutiful when it comes to cleaning up after Nikki. They stuff their pockets with plastic bags before embarking on the walk, and when Nikki fulfills her mission, they do what respectful doggy owners do. The put their hands inside the bag, turned inside out a la mode, and pick up the cute little Malamute doggy dung, feeling its heft and warmth with only the thin film of solid petroleum protecting their skin and sensibilities. Strange, isn't it? How that plastic bag, designed to hold unknown convenience store treasures (cigarettes, Gatorade, jerky, etc.), is suddenly as trusted as a condom? When filled, they tie an awkward knot in the bag and daintily carry the bulging sack between their thumb and forefinger until they get to a neighbor's trashcan.

This time, however, as Nikki squats and strains on the driveway of the Northview Bible Church, no such courtesy was extended. Now, speaking of behalf of myself and probably my dad, I can honestly say that there is no bitterness in my heart: only the profound sense of irony that was too potent to betray by good dog-owner stewardship. I couldn't see it where we were standing on the sidewalk, but I knew that there was a sign facing inward on the church driveway, designed for those exiting the Sunday service. It reads "Your ministry starts here." My vision, then, was of the churchgoer, whose heart was filled with optimism and the promise of malleable pagan hearts, waiting for a chance to share the love of Jesus. Then, at the gates of the pagan world, they are welcomed with a heaping steaming malleable pile of dog shit.

T$???????

Okay, not to be skeptical, but after allowing the newest member of this prestigious fraternity to join and immediatly contribute to the dynamic nature of this blog, we have seen very little (as in none) content brought.

T$ do you want the NOISE brought on you?

D

Jake's in Vegas

So, Jake is in Vegas today, and the reason that I know this????? He told me.

Anyways, not the point. Here is the point: Jake arrived in Vegas last night at 11pm. Now, I realize that he's there for work, but how how ofter are you in Vegas for free? Not that often.

So, what does Jake do?

Jake goes to bed???!?!!!!

I mean what a wimp. So what if he has to wake up at 5 Am. He's in Vegas for pete's sake. The self-proclaimed card shark does not go to the first card room. No, he goes to his room.

Once again, we can see how NOLAN is wearing off on this once proud man.

A sad day for the star and crescent.

D

The Hairy Armenian (Redux)

A long, long time ago when our resident pot-stirrer from Pasadena, CA wrote from the hallowed grounds of Oregon a small prank was played on him. An up and coming website (http://www.turdwords.com/) became the setting for what would become one of the funniest moments in pot-stirrer history. Let me describe in detail. Dave, feel free to revise as necessary.

- Jake Rossman, pot-stirrer padawan, submits to http://www.turdwords.com/ the definition to the newest Turd Word "Hairy Armenian."

- http://www.turdwords.com/viewword.cfm?wordID=8596

- Jake submits this with his pen name: Dave Szamet

- Dave subsequently Google's his name and lo-and-behold, entry number 1 is: Hairy Armenian, submitted by Dave Szamet.

- Dave probably doesn't get a couple job call backs because of this.

- Dave then writes a letter to the editor of http://www.turdwords.com/ to remove the posting.

- http://www.turdwords.com/ editor posts letter on the home page of the website...

So, you must be asking... "Redux?" And to that I answer yes. Josh K., co-owner of Bridgetown PT (http://bridgetownpt.com/content/view/12/26/) goes on to Google to see what pops up when he enters his name...

And this is the result:

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=josh+kernen

Entry number 1? SERIOUSLY... SWITZERLAND(?)!!!!!!!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we've made it!

Josh called me today to talk about how our blog is more popular than his PT clinic... All I could say is that we've got a hit counter on our front page and he can deduce whatever scientific facts from this that he wishes... But in reality, this blog has been set to be removed from search engines. When those engines will comply with this setting, I don't know... But until that happens, I would like to formally announce that Seriously... Switzerland(?) is on its way to super stardom.

James

Dirty Old Dude

I was reading a Yahoo! Sports article about A-Rod using hyperbole to describe the number of times he was tested for steroids last year: really an article about nothing. It was such an insignificant issue that I was actually annoyed that they even published it, and that I took the time to read over it. But then this little gem game along:

“ ‘I’m glad for a guy like Santana, gets to play in a city like New York,’ (Alex) Rodriguez said. “He’s the best pitcher. He deserves to be in the city, and in a forum. I thought it was a fantastic move by the New York Mets.’

“Rodriguez also praised teammate Andy Pettitte, who was forced to give a deposition and affidavit to Congress in which he admitted using HGH in 2002 and 2004. Pettitte also said Roger Clemens discussed HGH use nearly a decade ago— Clemens said Pettitte ‘misremembers.’

“ ‘Andy is one of the greatest human beings I’ve ever met,’ Rodriguez said. ‘I have two daughters—well, I have one and one on the way. If I had a daughter, I would want ‘em to marry Andy Pettitte. The age difference might be a little awkward, but in today’s day and age anything is possible.’ ”

REALLY??? You think so, Alex? What gets me is that this was the most interesting piece of the story, but that’s how it ended. Sure, he was tested 5 times, 10 times, whatever, but nobody thinks to inquire any further into Alex arranging marriages for teammates to his unborn daughters.

Journalistic notes forgotten, what can we infer from his statements, aside from the evident intellectual effects of forgoing college to pursue a career in professional sports? What the hell is he trying to say?

For one, think about the kind of elite group that he is putting Pettitte in. I know A-Rod is a spokesman for the Boys and Girls Club of America with the likes of Colin Powell. What if Pettitte really belongs in that kind of company? Perhaps a career in public service is in his future.

Andy Pettitte is 36 years old, which would make him 54 years old by the time Alex’s (Alexandra? Alexanna? Alexia?) newest family member is of marrying age. What is it about today’s day and age that makes this particularly possible? Does HGH prolong a person’s lifespan and increase vitality? Perhaps he simply sees some great value to young girls seeking out ex-baseball players with loose skin and old balls.

Depending on his spending habits, rate of after-tax investment returns, etc., I’m estimating that A-Rod’s net worth could be in the $600-$700 million range by the time his daughter turns 18. Maybe more, but his endorsement deals aren’t as publicly visible as the quarter billion dollar contracts. My final hypothesis begins with the knowledge, as he has shown (as Mariners fans recall) throughout his career, Alex Rodriguez is as money-driven as a Borat Jew. He intends to sell his daughter for a princely dowry, and his well-off colleagues are a good place to start the sales effort. Scott Boras will ultimately call the auction, and will probably install ghost bidders to drive up the price.

Our Newest Pot-Stirrer

I am proud to announce that Tim Cathcart is joining our ranks as the newest pot-stirrer on Seriously... Switzerland(?). Tim, a creative writing major turned Accountant/CPA epitomizes the ideals of Seriously... Switzerland(?) Only could one with so much talent rationally decide to pursue the exciting literary possiblities in the world of Accounting! But all joking aside, Tim will truly be a welcomed addition to Seriously... Switzerland(?)



Welcome aboard Cake Face, now please take a moment to introduce yourself,

James

Turtle's Real Life St. Valentine's Day Massacre

In the spirit of continuing Seriously... Switzerland(?)'s latest string of fantastic video clips from around the internet, I would like to present to you Turtle's Real Life St. Valentine's Day Massacre... Check out the look on his face towards the end... Awwwwwwwwkard! And he's still holding his beer... Priceless...

Master Piece Theater

Reminds me of DJ....

Love, Basketball, Love & Basketball

For your viewing pleasure...

Love (video as excerpted from the fantastic sports blog http://www.withleather.com/, Check out Scarlett eyeing Portman... It's at 3:19... And it's awesome):



Basketball (also from our friends at http://www.withleather.com/):





Love & Basketball (Sloan... So hot):





Five Pot-Stirrer awards go to: Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, Sacramento Kings Dance Team, Baron Davis and Sloan.

James

Short Cuts and F'ing United Airlines (How not to spend $250)

Please Read the Nolan Blog. Incredibly witty writing by Sweet Jimmy.

So, I am sitting here in the Portland airport. The sun is shinning here at PDX, which is rare for this time of year. Drink it up while you can Portland. Cause the rain is coming. Someone has to pay for this sin.

On to this morning's events....

I wake up around 6am to make my 7:30 flight. I think cool. Plenty o'time.
6:10 am leave for PDX.
6:10 to 6:52 am - 20 minutes from house to airport takes 42 min. Sweet! I love my boy Colin, but we took some "short cut," got lost, and pushed it to disaster.
6:52 to 7:10 - I stand in line while the United airport attendent looks at a computer screen and ignores me. Tick tock, tick tock.
7:11- I am told that I can't get on the plane because my bags won't make it in TIME.
7:11.45 - I tell the airline (BTW. I am a mileage plus member, but this actually works against you. So, being a regular customer is a bad thing.) attendent that United has just lost my business forever.
7:11.50 - Blank stare.
7:11 - Airline attendent tells me that I can buy a NEW ticket for tonight at the bargain price of 645.00 dollars, keep the change. Or wait till tomorrow at 3pm (a reasonable 32 hour wait)
7:12 - Security escorts me to a special room.
7:16 - I pull out laptop and purchase a one way tix to Burbank for $250.00.
7:20 to 11:15 - Sit here.

So, not only do I lose my miles, I get to pay for a one way that usually covers a roundtrip.

Thank you and goodbye United Airlines.

Dave
(sitting at gate B1 flight 2501 ALASKA airlines:)

Guys' Weekend - No Girlfriends Allowed! (The Case of the NOLAN Factor)

James here. Just thought I'd update you on this last weekend's happenings and the ensuing jack-assery that followed. As you can tell from the Title above, this weekend's activities were set to be wild and crazy, and then it was interrupted by none other than the "NOLAN Factor..."

Let me paint you the picture.

Saturday, Noon - We hit the road after a delicious $2.50 sandwich at a little bakery 2 minutes from my house. Kappa Sigma's 25th Anniversary only a few hours away...

Saturday, 1:30 pm - We arrive at McMenamin's Hotel Oregon (see: http://seriouslyswitzerland.blogspot.com/2008/01/hotel-oregon.html) and the boozing quickly ensues.

Saturday, 1:45 pm - Bo and Josh arrive at the Hotel Oregon. More drinking ensues.

Saturday, 3:00 pm - A short drive to the liquor store where the following items are procured: 1/2 Gallon each of Absolut & Crown Royal and two packs of cigarettes (which are later lost and then refound after anyone would have even considered smoking them.)

Saturday, 3:30 pm to 7 pm - Check-in at the Best Western (Why not Hotel Oregon you ask? http://seriouslyswitzerland.blogspot.com/2008/01/hotel-oregon.html) Discussion begins on whether or not to attend the 5 pm mock initiation. Boozing ensues, and 5 pm quickly becomes 7 pm... DJ, promising to buy cabs for the weekend (see: http://seriouslyswitzerland.blogspot.com/2008/01/hotel-oregon.html) calls them too late and we become stranded at the God Damn Best Western...

Saturday, 7:15 pm - I let Tim drive the Exploder to the Ball Room. DJ has now been moved into a probationary state on the Council. Tim is up for election to replace DJ's position.

Saturday, 7:30 pm - Derek Gilbert arrives with girlfriend that at least 4 other brothers have fooled around with. Derek Gilbert, obviously not having a good time, is a prime example of what happens when the girlfriend yanks on that little choke collar around your neck... This is why you don't bring the girlfriend to Guys' Weekend.

Saturday, 8:00 pm - Josh K., visibly upset by the District Grand Master for talking shit about Alumni.

Saturday, 9:00 pm - Arrive at Kappa Sigma house. Party ensues. Booze sets in. Girls come over. All hell breaks loose.

Sunday, 3:00 am - Dave walks by Theta Chi house... F*ck you Theta Chi!!! Much laughing follows...

Sunday, 3:15 am - DJ's call to a cab at 6:30 pm finally shows up at 3:15 am. I am stuck in cab with Douche Bag, Steroid filled, dis-owned fraternity scumbag. Guess who? I want to puke on him and laugh.

Sunday, 3:30 am - Muchas Gracias, Oregon Burritto. Josh Kernen orders two burrittos. Eats one.

Sunday, 4 am - Back to the God Damn Best Western. Crash.

Sunday, 10 am - Enter: NOLAN! F*cking NOLAN! For those who don't know NOLAN, let me describe this person to you this way:

N - Not Welcome
O - Overstepping Welcome
L - Locks Claws into all that is good about Guys' Weekend
A - And still not welcome
N - Not Welcome ever again

Now, keep in mind that NOLAN is a real person, and NOLAN is also a metaphor for anyone that shows up un-announced and promptly makes themselves not welcome. NOLAN. F*cking NOLAN. Now I know what you're thinking... What does a NOLAN look like... So, here you go...

So, what it is you ask that this has anything to do with Switzerland... Let's just say that a certain phone call received around 7 pm on Friday conveying NOLAN intercept instructions was taken by one Jake Rossman (See: above in picture. He is between the Red, Yellow, Pink flowers. Just in front of the fountain that looks like it is shooting out of his head.) None of this was conveyed to any of the council members present at the event and all of this information was purposefully held out of reach of the participants of Guys' Weekend in an effort to avoid any pot-stirring. If that doesn't sound like Switzerland, then you must obviously be DJ!

James

P.S. Coming in the next few days will be our newest pot-stirrer. Stayed tuned to Seriously... Switzerland(?) to find out who this might be!

The Upside of Being Down

Have you ever seen the cracked out lady that's just a little too happy. A little too perky. Always just a little over the top. Someone who you place second on the happiness scale to Howard Dean losing his Democratic Presidential Primary bid a few years ago... You know. The one hyped up on the "happy" pills...

Yeah. Aren't they just a little strange? Although I've never delved into anti-depressed Heath Ledger territory, I'd have to say that I think these folks make a compelling case about "The Upside of Being Down." I've always been interested in this topic since reading Jean-Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness, Aldous Huxley's Brave New World and watching the film Vanilla Sky.

So please, check this out, and ask yourself... Is the sweet really as sweet without the sour?

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=18885211

Excerpt: 'Against Happiness'
by Eric G. Wilson

Conclusion

The gene pool — before and beyond time — froths and sloshes. What flops up onto the temporal shores is a matter of chance, a product of the waves' whims. At some point this teeming reservoir of DNA spumes forth a saturnine gene, a double helix destined to produce melancholy dispositions. From this instant onward what we know as human history begins: that striving, seemingly endless, toward an ungraspable perfection, that tragic effort to reach what exceeds the grasp, to fail magnificently. This gene, this melancholy gene, has proved the code for innovation. It has produced over the centuries our resplendent towers, yearning heavenward. It has created our great epics, god-hungry. It has concocted our memorable symphonies, as tumultuously beautiful as the first ocean. Without this sorrowful genome, these sublimities would have remained in the netherworld of nonexistence. Indeed, without this genetic information, sullen and ambitious, what we see as culture in general, that empyreal realm of straining ideas, might have never arisen from the mere quest for survival, from simple killing and eating.
We can picture this in the primitive world. While the healthy bodies of the tribe were out mindlessly hacking beasts or other humans, the melancholy soul remained behind brooding in a cave or under a tree. There he imagined new structures, oval and amber, or fresh verbal rhythms, sacred summonings, or songs superior to even those of the birds. Envisioning these things, and more, this melancholy malingerer became just as useful for his culture as did the hunters and the gatherers for theirs. He pushed his world ahead. He moved it forward. He dwelled always in the insecure realm of the avant-garde.

This primitive visionary was the first of many such avant-garde melancholics. Of course not all innovators are melancholy, and not all melancholy souls are innovative. However, the scientifically proved relationship between genius and depression, between gloom and greatness suggests that the majority of our cultural innovators, ranging from the ancient dreamer in the bush to the more recent Dadaist in the city, have grounded their originality in the melancholy mood. We can of course by now understand why.

Melancholia pushes against the easy "either/or" of the status quo. It thrives in unexplored middle ground between oppositions, in the "both/and." It fosters fresh insights into relationships between oppositions, especially that great polarity life and death. It encourages new ways of conceiving and naming the mysterious connections between antinomies. It returns us to innocence, to irony, that ability, temporary, to play in potential without being constrained to the actual. Such respites from causality refresh our relationship to the world, grant us beautiful vistas, energize our hearts and our minds.

Indeed, the world is much of the time boring, controlled as it is by staid habits. It seems overly familiar, tired, repetitious. Then along comes what Keats calls the melancholy fit, and suddenly the planet again turns interesting. The veil of familiarity falls away. There before us flare bracing possibilities. We are called to forge untested links to our environments. We are summoned to be creative.

Given these virtues of melancholia, why are thousands of psychiatrists and psychologists attempting to "cure" depression as if it were a terrible disease? Obviously, those suffering severe depression, suicidal and bordering on psychosis, require serious medications. But what of those millions of people who possess mild to moderate depression? Should these potential visionaries also be asked to eradicate their melancholia with the help of a pill? Should these possible innovators relinquish what might well be their greatest muse, their demons giving birth to angels?

Right now, if the statistics are correct, about 15 percent of Americans are not happy. Soon, perhaps, with the help of psychopharmaceuticals, we shall have no more unhappy people in our country. Melancholics will become unknown.

This would be an unparalleled tragedy, equivalent in scope to the annihilation of the sperm whale or the golden eagle. With no more melancholics, we would live in a world in which everyone simply accepted the status quo, in which everyone would simply be content with the given. This would constitute a dystopia of ubiquitous placid grins, a nightmare worthy of Philip K. Dick, a police state of Pollyannas, a flatland that offers nothing new under the sun. Why are we pushing toward such a hellish condition?

The answer is simple: fear. Most hide behind the smile because they are afraid of facing the world's complexity, its vagueness, its terrible beauties. If they stay safely ensconced behind their painted grins, then they won't have to encounter the insecurities attendant upon dwelling in possibility, those anxious moments when one doesn't know this from that, when one could suddenly become almost anything at all. Even though this anxiety, usually over death, is in the end exhilarating, a call to be creative, it is in the beginning rather horrifying, a feeling of hovering in an unpredictable abyss. Most immediately flee from this situation. They try to lose themselves in the laughing masses, hoping the anxiety will never again visit them. They don inauthenticity as a mask, a disguise protecting them from the abyss.

To foster a society of total happiness is to concoct a culture of fear. Do we really want to give away our courage for mere mirth? Are we ready to relinquish our most essential hearts for a good night's sleep, a season of contentment? We must ignore the seductions of our blissed-out culture and somehow hold to our sadness. We must find a way, difficult though it is, to be who we are, sullenness and all.

Suffering the gloom, inevitable as breath, we must further accept this fact that the world hates: we are forever incomplete, but fragments of some ungraspable whole. Our unfinished natures — we are never pure actualities but always vague potentials — make life a constant struggle, a bout with the persistent unknown. But this extension into the abyss is also our salvation. To be but a fragment is always to strive for something beyond oneself, something transcendent — an unexplored possibility, an unmapped avenue. This striving is always an act of freedom, of choosing one road instead of another. Though this labor is arduous — it requires constant attention to our mysterious and shifting interiors — it is also ecstatic, an almost infinite sounding of the exquisite riddles of Being.

To be against happiness, to avert contentment, is to be close to joy, to embrace ecstasy. Incompleteness is the call to life. Fragmentation is freedom. The exhilaration of never knowing anything fully is that you can perpetually imagine sublimities beyond reason. On the margins of the known is the agile edge of existence. This is the elation of circumference. This is the rapture, burning slow, of finishing a book that can never be completed, a flawed and conflicted text, vexed as twilight.

Excerpted from Against Happiness by Eric G. Wilson. Copyright © 2008 by Eric G. Wilson. Published in January 2008 by Sarah Crichton Books, a division of Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC. All rights reserved.